How to Satisfy an MBNA Customer

March 22, 2006

A recently received letter from MBNA Canada’s “Customer Satisfaction department”:

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding your MBNA Canada Platinum MasterCard.

Don’t thank me, thank your competition. Their return address is likely on that form you received that paid off my MBNA MasterCard balance using the plentiful credit line they were nice enough to give me at a fraction of the interest of your credit card. You know the interest that you were going to hike up to 21.9%? Right, that’s the one.

This letter is to confirm that your account has been closed.

Hilarious. Check your files: his account has been closed for two years. A quick refresh: I missed a couple payments back at the beginning of 2003, “Chet” (not his real name) in Customer Assistance set me up with a temporary reduced-payment plan after which my account would return to it’s “original terms” which actually meant “close this fucker down, and don’t tell him”. Oh “Chet”, you sly fox. You got me that time, haha.

Please destroy all credit cards associated with this account by cutting the magnetic strip in half.

The single most satisfying moment of my life. I will cherish it always; the dull bank lighting, a generic desk. Red handled scissors. Oh, look…I’m tearing up…it was so beautiful.

Also, dispose of any cash advance cheques.

I haven’t received cash advance cheques from you since, I don’t know, you closed my account two years ago. And, really, “cash advance cheques” neither give you cash or advancement so let’s cut the shit. Perhaps “credit declination cheques” would be more apt.

Be sure to notify anyone who periodically posts charges to your account, such as insurance companies, health clubs, and buying services, that your account is closed.

Dear MBNA, Please stop posting charges to my account because it has been closed for two years. Regards, Ryan.

If you have any questions, please feel free to call our Customer Satisfaction department (addresses, phone numbers, etc., etc.)

I called them once. The experience left me “feeling” neither “satisfied” or like a “customer”.

Our knowledgeable specialists are ready to assist you.

In their limited capacity, by my experience. Although, I’m sure they would be very eager to assist your insurance needs.

So, how do you satisfy an MBNA customer? You offer them the competition’s product at half the interest. It pays to shop around, folks. Don’t be complacent.

Posted lovingly by Ryan 1 Comments Permalink